Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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