she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
