Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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