you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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