I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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