Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
