Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
