Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He's on the porch naked. Help.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
