So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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