yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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