i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize