I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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