Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
