i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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