If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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