im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
