life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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