Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
