Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Someone signed my nipple.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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