it's not cheating when I paid for it
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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