CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
