I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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