I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
