i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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