Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
