its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
