u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
It's shark week go big or go home
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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