He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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