About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
