I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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