i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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