just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
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