I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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