Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
