Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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