my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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