I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Randomize
