I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
