You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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