take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
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