your parents love me but you hate me
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
