come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
