Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
