I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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