I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
