I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
