My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
