It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
