i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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