I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
