Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
