I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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