highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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